All relationships should have boundaries. But the boundaries we set often say more about us than they do others--those we want, expect, and require to respect and adhere to the boundaries we set. But as necessary as boundaries may be, is it necessary that we constantly announce to the world that we have them and how high, how long, and how wide they are? In an age with so much talk about relationships, at times, it seems like there's more about how not to have relationships than about how to. Social media is filled with posts, tweets, and memes on how to walk away from and end relationships, how to get rid of people out of your life, or who not to allow into your life. Is there a time and a place when and where this might be necessary? Absolutely! But if we spend more time focused on how not to have relationships than on how to have them, we may end up with none. Healthy boundaries are to let others know when and where we can dwell together and, as necessary, when and where we cannot. So, in essence, within relationships, setting borders should appreciate and promote the space we can share, not the lines you better not cross and the spaces you're not allowed to enter.
If I invite you into my home for dinner, I'm going to welcome you in and make you feel comfortable. I'm not going to welcome you in and then direct your attention to all of the "Do not Enter" signs I've placed around my house so that you don't trespass. I'm not going to put up signs because I'm not expecting you to wander around my house into the bedrooms, private bathrooms, and other places outside of the common areas where I host and entertain my guests, and it's perfectly reasonable of me to expect you to know this. Besides, wouldn't you find that confusing? With one hand, I'm beckoning you to come in, but with the other, I'm holding up a stop sign telling you to keep out. I would want you to relax and feel free to enjoy yourself without making you feel like you're in a prison. If you do happen to wander into private areas where I didn't expect you to go, there's no need for me to be abrupt and extreme by putting you out for trespassing. I would just redirect you back to the space in my house that I would like to share with you. If I were to put you out, that would speak more to my inability to graciously host you and steer you back within the borders of where we can hang out together and, hopefully, continue to enjoy each other's company. Now, I know there are plenty of examples that could justify doing the very thing I'm suggesting we not do. But what's the point here? The point is that, in general, why not focus more on how to receive, welcome, and accept others, even when they don't make it easy to do so? After all, let's remember that some people in our lives receive, welcome, and accept us, in spite of how difficult we may sometimes be and in spite of the boundaries we may sometimes cross. A key to building great relationships is not by cutting people off and running away the moment they do or say something against our preference, but it's being able to build in spite of what they do and say against our preference. Never forget that even the loveliest of roses have thorns. So, let's not deprive ourselves of the loveliness of others just because we don't know how to deal with the thorns.
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Since when do I have to listen to you if you're rude, disrespectful, and out of order? It doesn't matter how valid your point is. If you're rude and disrespectful, then all bets are off, unless, of course, your tone and temperament change in the right direction.
I'm always amazed at how rude and belligerent people can act in the midst of a conflict, but still expect and even demand that other people, particularly those with whom they have tension, listen to them. I may, understandably, be upset, angry, outraged, and justifiably indignant because of some unfair or unjust practice or incident. But I can easily compromise my credibility in the eyes of those from whom I'm seeking justice or redress if they perceive me as being hostile. Should I not have enough self-control--or maybe I'm "in control" and am consciously and intentionally choosing to be rude and crude--or, at least, have some decorum and self-governance to express my anger and righteous indignation against injustice and inequity without verbally attacking and dishonoring the person or people I disagree with or oppose? People are less likely to hear us and give credence to our concerns if they feel disrespected and even physically threatened or unsafe by our approach. And if they don't hear us because our approach is threateningly disruptive, then we're, in essence, undermining our own cause. A couple of months ago, social media was flooded with a news story about Hillary Clinton and how she responded to a Black Lives Matter activist, Ashley Williams, who interrupted her at a private event in South Carolina. Yes, Ms. Williams paid $500 to attend the event and, therefore, had every right to be there, and, yes, Ms. Williams' concerns were valid. But, instead of stating her concerns, and maybe even re-stating them for clarity and strength, and then allowing Clinton to respond, as she was obviously trying to do, Ms. Williams continued to interrupt to the point of disruption and was removed. Many harshly criticized Clinton for how she responded to Ms. Williams and stressed that Williams had a right to be there just like everybody else and applauded her for boldly challenging Clinton on comments she made 20 years ago. But Ms. Williams was out of order! The more Clinton tried to respond, the more disruptive Ms. Williams became. So, the point here is not to applaud Clinton and condemn Ms. Williams, and this is really not even about Hillary Clinton or Ashley Williams. They just happen to help make the point, which is:
What goes up must come down! What's inside must come out! Is there someone trapped inside your body, kicking and screaming to come out? Some lovely, talented, dynamic person, who longs to be introduced to the world around you and be greeted with warm and welcome applauds? When I typed the first sentence of this post, I had a slightly different plan. My every intention was to string this post together with my last two and talk about how and why our internal conflicts, if not addressed, eventually reveal themselves in our external environments--home, work, church, and in the varied social settings we find ourselves. Then, a sudden shift occurred. Rather than focus on that inner conflict that will inevitably make its way outside, it just felt right to, instead, focus on that person, sometimes inside of you and sometimes inside of me, who's yearning to break out. That person inside of us that we all sometimes hide because we're afraid of what our worlds will think if they knew that's who we really are.
If you think about it, this, too, is a conflict--a difference or disagreement within you that keeps you from peacefully moving forward with who you are and who you want to be. Not that the person we see and know when we see you is fake and not, necessarily, who you really are, but that person may not be all there is to you. But the problem is that by not being all of who you are on the outside might mean that you're keeping the best parts of who you are on lockdown and hidden away in darkness on the inside. The "total you" may be wasting away and plummeting deeper and deeper into an abyss of non-existence. Meanwhile, the people and the world around you are severely deprived and starved of the beauty and wonder and contribution that the "hidden you" is supposed to be depositing into the lives that the "full you"; the "free you"; the "best you" is supposed to fulfill. And that is nothing less than a tragedy. Listen, we all have our fears and insecurities about what people will think if we expose more or all of who we are. But guess what? Based on what you have exposed and who people believe and think you are, they still may have it all wrong in terms of who they believe you to be, and they may not even like that part of you that you have already revealed. So, the best thing you can do for yourself is to find that person that may be buried deep inside of you--that lovely, talented, dynamic person that you may have forgotten about and who's been battling to break free--and introduce them to the world and allow for your own grand entrance. The time is right, and the time is now for you to definitively and unashamedly put your stake in the ground, and boldly declare, as in the words of renowned singer/songwriter, Kelly Price that "This is who I am"! Have you and your family ever gone to a sporting event? A Broadway play? A concert? Some type of ticketed event with pre-assigned seating? And as you approach your seats, or what you believe are your seats, you see that someone else is sitting there. You look at your tickets; you look at the seat numbers; you count the number of seats in the row until you get to the ones you believe are yours. And if you're like me, you may even go as far as to boldly tell the people sitting there (in so many words), "You're in our seats." But no sooner than you speak the words, you begin to wonder, you begin to doubt whether that is so, or maybe you've gotten something wrong. Maybe you misread your ticket. Or maybe you read the ticket correctly: you're in the right row and at the right seats, but you're in the wrong section of the theater or went through the wrong gate in the stadium.
I've been there and admit that this can be quite embarrassing. And in those instances, I've had to make a decision: do I 1) Ignore, deny, or remain oblivious of my mistake, insisting that this is where I'm supposed to be or 2) Take a moment to figure out exactly what's going on, realize my mistake, and just move on to where I'm truly supposed to be. If I insist that the seats are mine, I end up spending more time and energy trying to force myself to be somewhere I'm not supposed to be, and the more I spend in the wrong place, the more likely I'll become frustrated going back and forth with the people sitting in "my" seats. But if I take a moment to look over my ticket, checking all the particulars against the particulars of where I am, I can save myself and my family time, energy, headaches, and frustration by quickly getting to where we're supposed to be seated, not to mention the disturbance with the people I may have argued with over what I believed were my seats. Here, we're talking about a seat at an event, but we could very well be talking about a seat in an office, a position in a company, or a title within an organization. Sometimes, in spite of all the signage and all the indicators that we belong some place else, we insist that we're supposed to be and stay right where we are. Maybe, at a time, you were supposed to do the work you're doing, hold the position you're holding, wear the title you're wearing, but maybe that time is up. Maybe it's time for a change--not just a change of scenery--in the things you see, but a change in perspective--in how you see things. Maybe it's time for a transition. Just like earlier, the ticket said one thing, while we're insisting on something else. But what's the first step in getting to where we're truly supposed to be? To realize that we're not or no longer supposed to be where we are. Even if we don't immediately know where we're supposed to be, we first have to know and accept that wherever we are, that's no longer it. Remember, the longer we stay where we no longer belong, the more time, energy, and resources we spend in the wrong place, depriving ourselves of the joys and benefits of being in the right place. So, my question to you is this: where are you supposed to be? If you're not quite sure, why not:
"Happy New Year!" We all say it, yet, so many of us are just not happy. At least, not for any extended period of time. But why not? The answer is simple, but the solution may not be. Happiness is greatly tied to the activities that fill our lives. But, unfortunately, so many of us invest so much of our time into things we just don't enjoy. There are naturally things we have to do that are not what we prefer. But if the majority of our time is spent on things that don't fulfill us or add meaning to our lives, our happiness will be diminished, or even demised, and we'll live in an internal state of conflict.
Some years ago, shortly after our first child was born, I was forced to take a serious inventory of all of the activities that filled my life. But what compelled me to take stock? The new responsibilities of being a mom added to my already-full plate of being a wife, a professional, a budding entrepreneur, a member of "this" organization, an advisor to "that" organization, along with a myriad of other random and ad hoc activities, endeavors, and initiatives that were all for very good cause. But in reality, in spite of all of these wonderful things, I was just not as happy as I believed I should be. So, with all the doing and all the going, I began to question whether the activities that filled my life truly mirrored the desires of my heart or were they simply an array of deliciously appetizing delicacies that made their way onto my plate but were not filling me as I needed? I soon discovered that my reality was the latter. And even though it wasn't easy, I began to reorder my life to change my reality, to resolve that conflict within me. Though many years have passed since then, I regularly check my happiness gauge and constantly assess whether my reality on the outside truly reflects the life I desire on the inside. And when it doesn't, I go radical! because, for me, my outside has to match my inside. But what about you? What do you do? How do you resolve those inner conflicts that surface within you? How do you protect or reclaim the happiness that you so desire and deserve? You never know how sharing what you do might help someone else who's looking for answers but may not have the courage to ask. Someone needs to hear you speak! Will you? |
AuthorLike you, Katrina loves seeing people in healthy relationships (with themselves and others) that they genuinely enjoy and not just simply tolerate. This blog is dedicated to achieving that vision. Archives
April 2018
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Photos used under Creative Commons from Julie, Dave & Family, Lel4nd, Cjaise, symphony of love, Alex Goldmark, Justin Chan Photography, juliamaudlin, Summer Skyes 11